JUST BECAUSE

JUST BECAUSE I smile does not mean I am not in pain and raging a war with my insides.

JUST BECAUSE I am out of bed does not mean I don’t feel body pain, nausea, Sciatic down my legs, headaches, feel depressed, sad, moody, happy, irritated, grumpy, happy again with in mins of each other.

JUST BECAUSE I am eating does not mean I am not forcing each bite in my bloated heavy stomach. Worried if I will get gas, cramps, bloating and how I will keep it down. Will my endo belly appear will I pay for all this tomorrow with running to the washroom or completely be constipated.

JUST BECAUSE I Go about my daily routine with my head held high does not mean That everyday isn’t hard and everyday brings new complications, stresses, new pains, that every decision I make can be either a positive or negative. That my stress level and anxiety can be triggered at any moment where I feel loss of control and feelings of rage or sadness wipes across me like a cold sweat. Everyday struggle with our inner demons.

JUST BECAUSE I walk around laughing having fun, going out to parties, events, family gatherings does not mean I am not crying on the inside. Unable to stand for too long or worrying about my horrible hot flash, how I look on the outside as I am screaming for help on the inside. But remembering what your parents taught you about manners and yelling and being rude at parties. Trying to keep cool though you want to hide from these faces who see you as healthy and looking great, Not understanding the condition that has you kidnapped. Hearing whispers as to why your not pregnant as you hold your sisters newborn baby in your hands feeling the impending doom of not being able to ever be a mother to your own.

JUST BECAUSE for some strange reason I feel the need to put my mans needs before my own and please him with sex when he wants it. Doesn’t mean I don’t lie there holding my breathe, biting my lip, squeezing the blanket in a ball in my fists. pressing my head into the pillow tears flood my face hope he doesn’t notice. The intense pain, feeling my insides are falling out, The tearing pulling heat inside my endo spot. Burning as he moves back and forth to his comfort I hope it will be over soon . Faking moans when I want to scream in pain. Fake it to please him and get it done! its our duty as women as wives girlfriends its apart of the deal  Please I think not! Why must it be put on us to please our men they have a hand! Leaving us feeling dirty, guilty leaving us to our wondering thoughts Did we please them?, were we good enough?  Meanwhile we cry on the bathroom floor or lay in bed curled in a ball hoping the pain goes away fast enough that we can get up and deal with the days ahead and the struggle that doesn’t give up!

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