What if all I am without the pain is empty hearted!!!!!!
What if all I am without the pain is empty hearted!!!!!!
I wake up to see if your there and what kind of day I will have.
I get out of bed and wait to see what kind of mood you’re in.
I tip toe around just hoping today is a good day
Then I start to feel hot like a warm blanket trapping my body underneath I can’t breathe my inhales are shallow my exhales are brief. I stand there and the emotions flood in through every cell in my body. I am knocked to the ground by the heavy weight champ my Emotions. Man they really pack a punch.
I try to stand and I can’t seem to get my feet from under me as I sit in a sweat of hormones and a mind full of thoughts. I get knocked down with each thought that passes. I am nervous all the time shaking in this body that feels like a machine. I look in the mirror I don’t even recognize my own face.
I cry inside all the time, I laugh to fit in the crowds, I smile but frown in my soul
I show the world a beautiful girl on the outside but my demons are controlling my mind my thoughts my fears. I am a puppet to my Endometriosis and my ups and downs.
My body is real but I am not typing those hurtful words, That’s not me yelling at you for every small thing, That can’t be me! So consumed with hate and despair that I can’t see the beauty in the world right in front of me. I see darkness, suffering, heartache, death, uncontrollable pain. I am in constant state of highs, lows, happy, sad, mean, mad, calm but spiteful.
I feel the hormones attaching itself to my inner being as the pain feeds it like a cancer. I live in darkness for it to survive. I can’t be happy I am not allowed. As soon as I smile the pain, bleeding, emotions rear its ugly head and I pull back because I am a slave to pain. I live in fear the entire time can I go out today>? Wear my favorite jeans? Eat to fill my stomach? Without pain, bloat, nausea, stomach aches.
I am under the control of my endometriosis I am a shell it controls my movements, thoughts and I am just stuck waiting for my salvation.
Everyone and everything suffers not like me but from me… Mean, unhappy, sad, who knows the person you will meet today. Don’t ask me ask my insides!
You’re too tired to fix your relationship problems the words are jumbled in your head. You’re too sick to even care sometimes. You’re so numb to the world because all you know is what you do to get through the day. You feel you owe explanations for your actions or lack thereof. You cannot summon up the courage or words to speak. Sorry means nothing you’re in deep with sorry, sorry is your neighbour it loses its meaning after a while. Understanding is pointless no one understands what they cannot see or feel themselves. Your family friends husbands suffer but in a way that only they can. They blame you for your erratic behaviour your ups downs your crazy PMS states. They turn it around on you saying horrible things accusing you of horrible things and all you can do is stand there fighting to speak the words but you cannot hear them with all the whispers inside your head. You want to fight and conquer and tell your loved ones the right words but the DAMN pain stops you from even caring. A feeling of hopelessness we know all too well.
Pick your battles wisely because you’re in a battle 24/7 the outside world cannot see. Hopefully we have understanding patient strong humble loving people in our lives whose minds are so silent and can hear you by the way you walk or how your body is always tense. Maybe they can hear the whispers of our demons speaking in our ears. I hope we all find the angels among us who are here to ease our burden and help us on our journey. I have seen the devil …we have discussions daily.
Something I put together
Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, ,I have been in a horrible funk where my health and lack of it has taken over me completely I haven’t slept in 8 days and its starting to show. My mood has changed and my anxiety level is through the roof. I cant concentrate and I am having 100 thoughts in my head. My body is so extremely exhausted I have been having horrible pain about 8 days ago I woke up in cold sweats and feeling extreme nausea. I sat up trying to make myself throw up and then the came pain in like a giant wave over flowing my whole being. I know this pain I have had it many times before. Its in between my breast bone under my ribcage, It starts as an in tense hunger feeling then the pain slowly wraps itself around your ribcage into your back Like the devils squeezing the life out of you. I cant catch my breathe and I’m sitting in bed just praying for it to stop ! It has not left me for 8 days now. I have had attacks like this before other times were much worse. I have to sit up in bed with a heat pad on high until my inside feel like there cooking. I have to sit up all night while the world sleeps I cry in pain. I am getting used to having chronic pain I forget how to live without it. I am not eating as everything that I eat I feel is stabbing my insides. I have knife like contractions and anxiety with the thought of leaving my house or eating, drinking because of the pain just waiting for me. Night time seems to be worse I am restless and even more sore. I never not have pain it just depends on the scale of 1 to 1000. I feel that the pain is worse when I am stressed out. I am so alone and feel like a hermit all I can do is pass the time and hope tomorrow is better. I think its my gallbladder as my brother and father both had there’s removed. It may be stones or inflammation but I wont know until I get an ultrasound. I also have a hiatus Hernia in the center of my ribcage that could be the cause of my problems. Either way I feel Endo is coming in all forms of my life from social family work relationship and body health. I think its all Endo hormone related since many women complain about the same issues.
Whats working for me a little – Morning Routine massage my neck kink from sleeping sitting up, Take probiotic Bio K in liquid form wait 20 mins- Take Aloe Vera straight The whole fillet kind – wait 10 15 min then take Wheat grass a shot glass size of pure wheat grass wait 30 min then finally try a piece of wheat free gluten free toast.
I drink Apple cider vinegar in apple juice about a tablespoon of vinegar for a flair up seems to help
I drink Aloe throughout the day and try to drink smoothies made with some protein and veggies
Hope that if your having the same issues this helps you
I feel so alone and isolated I am going stir crazy ! I wish you all a pain free Night xoxo Sleep well