I wake up to see if your there and what kind of day I will have.
I get out of bed and wait to see what kind of mood you’re in.
I tip toe around just hoping today is a good day
Then I start to feel hot like a warm blanket trapping my body underneath I can’t breathe my inhales are shallow my exhales are brief. I stand there and the emotions flood in through every cell in my body. I am knocked to the ground by the heavy weight champ my Emotions. Man they really pack a punch.
I try to stand and I can’t seem to get my feet from under me as I sit in a sweat of hormones and a mind full of thoughts. I get knocked down with each thought that passes. I am nervous all the time shaking in this body that feels like a machine. I look in the mirror I don’t even recognize my own face.
I cry inside all the time, I laugh to fit in the crowds, I smile but frown in my soul
I show the world a beautiful girl on the outside but my demons are controlling my mind my thoughts my fears. I am a puppet to my Endometriosis and my ups and downs.
My body is real but I am not typing those hurtful words, That’s not me yelling at you for every small thing, That can’t be me! So consumed with hate and despair that I can’t see the beauty in the world right in front of me. I see darkness, suffering, heartache, death, uncontrollable pain. I am in constant state of highs, lows, happy, sad, mean, mad, calm but spiteful.
I feel the hormones attaching itself to my inner being as the pain feeds it like a cancer. I live in darkness for it to survive. I can’t be happy I am not allowed. As soon as I smile the pain, bleeding, emotions rear its ugly head and I pull back because I am a slave to pain. I live in fear the entire time can I go out today>? Wear my favorite jeans? Eat to fill my stomach? Without pain, bloat, nausea, stomach aches.
I am under the control of my endometriosis I am a shell it controls my movements, thoughts and I am just stuck waiting for my salvation.
Everyone and everything suffers not like me but from me… Mean, unhappy, sad, who knows the person you will meet today. Don’t ask me ask my insides!
You’re too tired to fix your relationship problems the words are jumbled in your head. You’re too sick to even care sometimes. You’re so numb to the world because all you know is what you do to get through the day. You feel you owe explanations for your actions or lack thereof. You cannot summon up the courage or words to speak. Sorry means nothing you’re in deep with sorry, sorry is your neighbour it loses its meaning after a while. Understanding is pointless no one understands what they cannot see or feel themselves. Your family friends husbands suffer but in a way that only they can. They blame you for your erratic behaviour your ups downs your crazy PMS states. They turn it around on you saying horrible things accusing you of horrible things and all you can do is stand there fighting to speak the words but you cannot hear them with all the whispers inside your head. You want to fight and conquer and tell your loved ones the right words but the DAMN pain stops you from even caring. A feeling of hopelessness we know all too well.
Pick your battles wisely because you’re in a battle 24/7 the outside world cannot see. Hopefully we have understanding patient strong humble loving people in our lives whose minds are so silent and can hear you by the way you walk or how your body is always tense. Maybe they can hear the whispers of our demons speaking in our ears. I hope we all find the angels among us who are here to ease our burden and help us on our journey. I have seen the devil …we have discussions daily.