It has come to my attention lately you have yet to live up to your status of my other half,soul mate,friend,companion. That the words in sickness and in health, I will take care of you baby,I love you,I wish I could fix you,Is there anything I can do? haven’t exactly been in your vocabulary lately or at all. You have made promises and broken them. You have lifted me up with your words then I have crashed right down when your unable to follow them through. I am here to give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe your stupid,thick headed or blind so I will write this letter directed to you so you get the bigger picture.
I AM SICK not with the flu though at times I feel flu like symptoms but think bigger !
I MAY NOT GET BETTER! It will always be a tough road to recovery but I may never get there.
I HURT DAILY 24/7 NOT A MINUTE LESS! I am always hurting and I will try to put it simply for you …..
I wake up in the Morning if I haven’t already been up all night and I am bombarded with pain,and thoughts “what will my day be like? “Will I be able to get out of bed”? “Can I get anything productive done”?”Can I eat and keep down breakfast”? “Will my clothes fit today”? All as soon as I open my eyes How nice it would be to stretch scratch my balls and get up !
I am confronted by many symptoms everyday Yes I may have good days but then I have to decide how to spend my energy Not waste it. I then have to decide weather its worth it? Do I go for that jog I have been avoiding? Do I clean out my closet and do the chores around the house ? Can it wait? Will it be worth being in pain for hours or days after? Can you Imagine not being able to do the simplest of tasks Brushing your hair,dressing,showering,Can you imagine having to decide what task is worth what amount of pain.!
I am exhausted before my feet even touch the floor ! I have to make decisions about things that others take for granted walking the dog,getting groceries,or the dreaded fulfill your needs!!We will get back to that one
I have to weigh out the pros and cons of all my daily tasks and whats expected of me all before my morning coffee which I cant drink cause it bloats me and causes inflammation.
I am expected to get up get dressed look presentable walk around head held high face the day BUT I am also facing the demons you do not see and tend to forget about!
The Demon Endometriosis I am at war with myself Think Braveheart,300,Black hawk down I think you get it! My body battles me everyday heart against mind,mind against heart! What I want to do and what I can do,Whats possible and whats impossible. It rages inside of me growing like a plague.Making its ugly self known and pretending to hide when I know its just waiting like a lion stalking its prey.
I then have to think about relationship duties things that other women can handle easier. I have to think about sex,pleasure,looking sexy enough,good enough,stay in the latest fashion,Keep my hair from getting grey though its falling out,Keep my nails done,toes painted,face piled with make up to hide my tired eyes. Keep in shape not too skinny not to heavy,try diet fads,drink smoothie cleanses, Shave my legs,and overall give the fake impression of perfect.
I am exhausted With the emotional baggage I must carry on my shoulders, I am depressed by the lack of support and the quality of my life,I am anxious about where my future leads,Will I have children ? Can I be a mom ? Will My relationships fail,Are my dreams over? The losses I have already suffered, Racing thoughts and the highs and lows which you reference to as CRAZY,INSANE,MENTAL,NEED HELP! Those hormonal side effects of the Endo are real and Not just inside my head. This is not a video game You cannot run around on the battlefield with a gun shooting at my Endometriosis ! I wouldn’t give you that satisfaction If it was even possible. I would be on that battlefield winning that war.
EVEN THOUGH I MAY LOOK HEALTHY,RESTED,FIXED I AM NOT It doesn’t go away It is on my mind and I wear it all the time, Its my second skin,I cant take it off hang it up or walk away. It is here to stay the question becomes ARE YOU?
I will fight with you,Hate you,Yell,scream throw an occasional dish,I will Have bad days, sad days, mad days, happy moments, ups, downs, comings and goings. I will cancel plans,trips expensive or not,I will not show up, I will not get out of bed,I will not do the dishes, I may even close up shop for sex,I will wear sweats,cuddle my heat pad more than you,I will cry laugh scream maybe all in a row.I will be strong be weak I will fall but I will get back up again. I will need time and space patience,kindness,romance,understanding,I will need you to be mom, dad, maid, nurse, Fashion consultant,make up artist, I will be lazy,unmotivated,I will not take the blame, I will not fight about whats wrong with me? and what did I do now? your basic statements. I will not hear about how your horney,you are tired,You are fed up,You are drained,You are hungry,Your board,Your wanting more. I will not feel bad when I cant be with you,spend time with you,make you my priority,I will not blame myself for not being in the mood,crying after sex,not feeling pretty enough or good enough.I will not hate myself more than I might already because I cant make you dinner,keep you entertained,be your everything. Maybe its time you become mine!
You need to be just as strong as me, a warrior like I am everyday you need to help me fight this battle where is my solider ????? If I run around all day and find the strength to cook,clean,organize,shop for food,look nice,and ask for you to help me lift something or help me with tasks don’t complain and grunt! I am asking for your help maybe something I don’t do often since I struggle alone at times so when I reach out for you don’t turn your back on me. I may have a hard time asking for help and taking on too much at one time but its up to you to be the rock and show me I can count on you. If you decide to fight with me not against me then this is your fight too, This is you just as much as its me. We are EndoStrong together but If I am EndoStrong alone then I have no use for you and you will just slow me down.
Will you be all the things I need you to be ? Will you be the man the solid foundation my soft place to fall ?
You need to put yourself in my pretty shoes and not be selfish there is no place in ENDO to be selfish It affects everyone.
I am trying my best and I need you to as well and I cant feel alone while your right there. I cant forget so I expect you not to forget that this exists in me and it wont be leaving anytime soon.
My physical symptoms are real not for attention or bragging rights. I have symptoms you are not even aware of and yet you come to me saying why do you look so sad,gone,lost,lonely,emotional,depressed, Is it me ? is its something I did? No Its not always about you Its about the constipation,bloating,diarrhea,migraines,stomach issues,tension in my whole body,burning and a feeling of heaviness resting on top of me. Feeling gross and toxic, feeling a million emotions at the speed of light I lose my balance from the racing thoughts and spinning room. The nausea,vomiting,bleeding,the crushing ripping taring of my insides at every breathe at every step. The exhaustion of chronic pain and sleepless nights The mind battles,the body failures,
I will not go into very much more of my symptoms because you could be here all day and we know the attention span is sometimes short ! Its ok mine is too …..
I will in closing of this direct scripture written just for you will state I AM NOT OK, IT MAY NEVER BE OK, YOU CANNOT FIX ME BUT
Stand by me in the darkest hour, Hold my hand through the fog, lift me up to the sunshine and lead me when I cease to lead myself.