I dont look sick

Its really sad the world we live in when its comes to Chronic Illness. We see a pretty young girl Her hair is combed,nails done,very little makeup on,Clothes match and she looks well put together.Little do you know She could barely get out of bed in the morning The pain was so intense she welcomes her day with tears.It takes all her strength to lift her hair brush and make full brush motions and she stands there watching the hair fall from her scalp praying its a little less than Yesterday and will only comb it once in fear of total baldness.She goes through her closet clenching her teeth trying to balance in the pain vibrating down every limb.Its not so easy even though we make it look so…

Stand facing the endless outfits we spend money on but barely wear try on a few sexy dresses confronted by the Endo Belly and quickly throw that to the floor just to grab your nearest sweat pants and try desperately to find something that matches and makes you feel a bit better in your tired eyes.

Put make up on though it is met by floods of tears from the very action of trying to look pretty or sexy depends on whos looking. Its so time consuming and exhausting to fix something that feels ugly and worn wrinkled and aged by the years of chronic pain.

Trying to look our best but how when you look pretty or societies Aimed perfect then your treated different your looked at as not sick as normal even super human. Everyone overlooks the make up stains on your cheeks,blood shot eyes from lack of sleep,or the hair in a messy ponytail when your pretty they dont see illness they see opportunity. Opportunity to make you work harder and alone,faster,more efficient ,last longer and dont see sick see only what they can use you for. If I walk a little bit stronger faster head held high they think oh Shes faking her illness,what illness,wheres her pain she looks pretty good to me? They dont see a sick frail malnutritioned human being barely making it through her day.

People will notice when you walk with help from a walker or cane when you lean to the side or start crawling on your hands and knees unable to stand,They notice when you scream in pain hold your water bottle and not move,They notice when you finally end up in the ER cause you pushed yourself and your having a flair up.They notice when you can no longer make them happy or make everything about them and you start to shut down. 

When we have learned to fake being healthy just to fit in, not feel pity ,Looked down upon made fun off its hard to break that cycle of being so hard on yourself and finding perfection.You try to be sooo nice and try to hold in that your feeling like death.You dont want to burden others so you hide away and push the illness to almost extinction in there eyes.You know the pain and illness disease is all still there but you pretend to the outside world Your healthy and can do anything. You drown in your sorrow and the world is holding your head under water.You ignore as much as you can play loud music to distract you from the stabbing knife like pain throughout your body.You learn to meditate bite your lip and get into a state of fake bliss.Only to not inconvenience others around you ohh we have to take extra care of sick girl !

We hide we are ok very well its an art form you look at me and say wow she looks happy smiling walking around and being quite active. What we do is jump to conclusions and judge the book by the cover and her cover is covered in makeup to hide the dark circles.The clothes to cover her bruises,cuts Her wild style to distract from the fact she just wants to hide in a hole and die.

Its not easy  trying to please her boyfriend or the people she loves and not disappoint them by cancelling plans or not wanting to do certain things.Being sick keeps us house bond and when we venture into the world we take everything but the kitchen sink for our comfort or emergencies.I hate feeling that thing when I am out with my boyfriend having a unpretty day which in my case is nails and toes manicured and painted, hair colored in a clip maybe foundation and a light lipstick with a nice fitting summer dress thats my dress down days where there far and few inbetween He makes me feel like that average girlfriend no prize just his sidekick friend or I am just there,No compliments or stares or pictures being offered to take as he does when I take 3 hours to get ready to go out on other days.He makes me feel washed out and down right ugly.You dont catch him looking at other girls he is too busy pleasing you all over you.Not on dress down days he walks ahead of you and forgets your there. He forgets your sick when you force yourself to walk his speed in the mall and walk without a walker,When you see no disability with your eyes your mind must forget ohhhhhh yesss she has ENdometriosis,Chronic Pelvic pain,Herniated disks x3 suffers from extreme fatigue,bloat and heaviness with each meal not to mention gas. Insomnia,migraines,depression,anxiety,stress brought on by pain,confusion from the tunnel of spinning symptoms she goes through in one hr every hr of the day.Horrible debilitating cramps and pain throughout each body part. Not one part of her perfection doesn’t hurt,bloat,swell,burn,itch,stab,cut,tingle,numb,hot,cold,clammy,pinch,stick,pull apart,ripe,tear,crumble to the ground. Yet she has to be super human so that the world doesn’t fall apart she needs to be strong to hold her family up be the back bone though hers his failing her own body.She rages a war inside herself to please you not worry or stress you its her against the world.SHe stands tall and faces the day so you can feel safe and like a good support because you asked how she feels as she runs around the house cleaning balancing a hundred chores. You offer to take her purse while shes walking fast to keep up with the world and peoples demands it makes you feel useful when you hold her purse all day but beg her for sex later that night.You feel useful helping her do chores but want her to look sexy doing them !

Its just exhausting trying to almost prove your sick cause you have gotten so good at hiding it,Its so easy for people to forget she doesn’t sleep when the rest of the world does and nothing she does is easy.Even the smallest thing you healthy people take for granted  like a shower,walking,getting up without pain, you forget is so defeating for us.You ask us how was your day like you expect to hear it was wonderful noooo I just held my breathe all day hoping you wouldn’t notice ….You Didnt you never do.

You get all kinds of attention after leaving your doctors office after the nurse says you look great and you just want to slap her but that would take too many extra spoons.

Your support system feels bad ok ok she is at a doctor have to remember its bad 15 min later in the parking lot there opening there car door and leaving you in there dust. 

Its sad when you have a pain free day and push yourself people think yaaaa shes cured lol if only I had a miracle cure to share with all my lovely warriors.They think ok there guard is down dont have to watch out for you can forget your sick for the day and watch you sabotage yourself doing way to much with the following next 3 to 5 days in bed  

If I was see through then you would see the hell I live in daily!

You dont see me you never have

 

 

 

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