my rant, my life, my pain

The more I think about it I feel I was born sick I am starting not to even remember a healthy happy day ! It seems so long ago I ate and felt happy full satisfied.I cant remember how it felt to have someone hold me touch me and not make my skin crawl. I don’t recall a time that I woke up feeling fresh,welcoming a new day pain free.

I dont think I had a day( 24 hours) where something didn’t pinch,sting,burn,throb,irritate,kill,stab,pull,tare,ache,break,gnaw,snap,inflame,irritate,itch,sharp,

raw,pain,stiff,sag,tight,torture,vice like,violent,raging,excruciating,bone chilling,Mind racing,crippling, stop you in your tracks kind of pain! Hold your breathe afraid to move kind of pain, I cant use enough expressive words to get you in the mind space of CHRONIC

It doesn’t leave you it doesn’t give up even if you are! It wont stop give you a break 10min 20 min ya right in your dreams BUT dreams I cant remember doing that either.I don’t sleep long enough to actually dream and what I would dream of is a different life and what wake up in pain disappointed id rather be sleepless.

I dont know what its like to not force a smile a laugh an amusement Do you think I care what your saying or about your day>? No I cant hear you over the loud noises in my head screaming PAY ATTENTION DAMN YOU OR ELSE.

I cant remember yesterday the pain days all cramp together and I am starting to fade away

I am in a fog fibromyalgia is another new diagnosis I am finding similarities to that but chronic pain is nothing new to me I think as a baby I felt pain who knows.

I was sick all the time in and out of hospitals asthma, throwing different diagnoses at me labeling me whatever made them feel more professional and good at there jobs

I was cut into, things taken out of me, I am broken and in pieces before a year old ! what kind of a chance did I have right at the start?.Things started growing weird my head shape was strange head surgery,tonsils,adenoids,puffers,machines that breathed different chemicals into my lungs! is this normal for a baby I didn’t even have a fair chance. Pump me with Immunizations, chemicals, Rat poison and lower my immune system so when I finally get boogers stuck on me from sticky fingered children or getting amebas from digging in the dirt I wont be able to fight my own battle and my blood count,my cells will be sleeping from all the crap inside me. I didn’t stand a chance every part of me was dragged down,sleeping and in a coma induced by the Government,environment ,nurses and doctors.I was maybe there little experiment maybe I still am? See what works give her drugs calm her down,dull her mind,make her sleep,confused,fat,sluggish,slow her down,STOP HER,pain pills,anti this anti that ! antidepressants,psychiatrist,therapist,mood doctors,stabilizers,injections,tests,MRI,CT scans,xrays,Endoscopies,Colonoscopy,Leeps,Laps,Check this, push that ,insert this tube,inject this die,Lets make her more like HULK but when we cant control her throw her in a padded cell.Lets do sleep tests,psych tests( what image do you see in this Q card? )Watch her,tape her,record her,slap limitations on her,Give her tools to succeed and when she fails…. UP her MEDS!!! Let her express herself write her words down and judge how she copes,How the hell would you cope ? would 6 feet under do?

Take my blood,collect my urine,view my ranges,count my charts,add,multiply,culture,check function and when your tests come back fine tell me how healthy I am.Ohh it must be in my head I must want this life look at the attention I get the labels put on me Gosh I love being called CRAZY! Send me to other doctors when you finally give up on me. I am too much to handle yes yes I know too big of a case and our health care only allows for so much.

I know I know its not your speciality or you are running out of tests, lets look at mental it can’t be physical…

You must have been abused,beat,raped,had nightmares,traumatized YES that explains it as they are mentally tapping themselves on the back or high fiving themselves for cracking the case. You are damaged goods and need to be put on pills, PILLS are your answer.Let this chemical change your brain make you numb and zombie like and you will be fixed…and if the first 5 don’t help come back in 6 months and we have plenty more to try.Dont you love being a lab Rat?

Its about time I be listened too not looked down upon or feel your pity,none of that helps me,I have to live this way please don’t down play my symptoms, misdiagnosis,treat me like a puzzle you are going home to your life I to mine let me be heard

WAKE UP! I AM HERE TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE

I cant begin to make you understand the amounts of pain I am in.How my body fails me daily I make it look so easy so sexy to be sick. But lets get the air clear and let me try to simplify something.I am sick no matter much I tease my hair pile the makeup to hide the flaws of being so dead tired your days and nights are mixed in to one long nightmare.

I make it look good easy and not so complicated well I am here to tell you YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED 

I open my eyes after pretending to sleep maybe if I fool my mind my body will follow.I stretch and a simple stretching of my painful lifeless limbs cause me excruciating pain That is what I wake too knowing dreading what the day will bring.I climb out of bed grabbing onto my side rail tripping gasping over my own body who seems to do whatever I say don’t do.Reminds me every sec while brushing my teeth and washing my face how the simplest task so many take for granted and dont realize how wonderful they have it,I yell at my body push pull fight to get it to move when it wants to fall from the pain.My body is frail ,malnutrition set in ,My once beautiful thick hair is now dull and lifeless falling out in clumps.
I look in the mirror and I have changed My god WHO ARE YOU! My skin is pale,dry,my hair dying,my face sagging with dark circles my soul cries for the loss of the girl that I once was, That girl died and chronic pain took her place. You may see glimpses of the old person I used to be the fighter the artist the funny happy go lucky but she is not permanent its only the illness that pretends to not be there but its lurking around every corner.I am no longer your sister,your wife,your girlfriend,your friend I am sickness I bleed sickness I breathe sickness if your not careful the sickness will spread to you so better to stay away …..I am depressed I am alone I am scared I am yelling screaming kicking loosing grips with reality ! I am not positive how could you be positive when you are greeted by the sickening pull,stabbing,burning,scraping,grippeling pain,blinding pain,doubled on the floor pain,starving yourself afraid to eat pain,EMILY ROSE BODY TWISTING MIND RACING BODY NOT LISTENING KIND OF DEMONIC POSSESSION.

No one will get it trust me I have tried unless they feel it daily they don’t have a daily reminder esp if your trying hard to not look sick I see sickness the people around you don’t.People don’t like sick people they tend to run away or better yet the real annoying one try to fix you.Like a broken toy pull out the duck tape or the fucking advice like yes WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT….time to get really uncomfortable you can’t fix us,you cannot hold us so tight our broken pieces will stick together you cant bible us or counsellor us into believing Positive mind set bullshit BEEN THERE DONE THAT don’t you think we have tried all you are coming up with on a whim because it makes you a little sick to your poor stomach to see me bent over the sick puking lunch ! dont watch look away pretend its not happening I am not here to hold your hand in this life its a shitty deal yes it is but ITS MY Deal SO DEAL WITH IT OR LEAVE …I AM STRONGER ALONE WITHOUT A JUDGE WITHOUT A CLOWN WITHOUT A SPOILED KID LOOKING FOR QUICK SOLUTIONS WHEN MONEY CANT FIX ME SORRY 

its uncomfortable I know and society wants to fix uncomfortable pile us in a corner and not look at us 

That is why I get up pile on the make up pep talk myself and whoever is looking back at me in the mirror and push forward cause dammit I will not fail I will not lay down and I will definitely not be pushed in a corner.

wake up I am here to make you uncomfortable

I cant begin to make you understand the amounts of pain I am in.How my body fails me daily I make it look so easy so sexy to be sick. But lets get the air clear and let me try to simplify something.I am sick no matter much I tease my hair pile the makeup to hide the flaws of being so dead tired your days and nights are mixed in to one long nightmare.

I make it look good easy and not so complicated well I am here to tell you YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED 

I open my eyes after pretending to sleep maybe if I fool my mind my body will follow.I stretch and a simple stretching of my painful lifeless limbs cause me excruciating pain That is what I wake too knowing dreading what the day will bring.I climb out of bed grabbing onto my side rail tripping gasping over my own body who seems to do whatever I say don’t do.Reminds me every sec while brushing my teeth and washing my face how the simplest task so many take for granted and dont realize how wonderful they have it,I yell at my body push pull fight to get it to move when it wants to fall from the pain.My body is frail ,malnutrition set in ,My once beautiful thick hair is now dull and lifeless falling out in clumps.
I look in the mirror and I have changed My god WHO ARE YOU! My skin is pale,dry,my hair dying,my face sagging with dark circles my soul cries for the loss of the girl that I once was, That girl died and chronic pain took her place. You may see glimpses of the old person I used to be the fighter the artist the funny happy go lucky but she is not permanent its only the illness that pretends to not be there but its lurking around every corner.I am no longer your sister,your wife,your girlfriend,your friend I am sickness I bleed sickness I breathe sickness if your not careful the sickness will spread to you so better to stay away …..I am depressed I am alone I am scared I am yelling screaming kicking loosing grips with reality ! I am not positive how could you be positive when you are greeted by the sickening pull,stabbing,burning,scraping,grippeling pain,blinding pain,doubled on the floor pain,starving yourself afraid to eat pain,EMILY ROSE BODY TWISTING MIND RACING BODY NOT LISTENING KIND OF DEMONIC POSSESSION.

No one will get it trust me I have tried unless they feel it daily they don’t have a daily reminder esp if your trying hard to not look sick I see sickness the people around you don’t.People don’t like sick people they tend to run away or better yet the real annoying one try to fix you.Like a broken toy pull out the duck tape or the fucking advice like yes WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT….time to get really uncomfortable you can’t fix us,you cannot hold us so tight our broken pieces will stick together you cant bible us or counsellor us into believing Positive mind set bullshit BEEN THERE DONE THAT don’t you think we have tried all you are coming up with on a whim because it makes you a little sick to your poor stomach to see me bent over the sick puking lunch ! dont watch look away pretend its not happening I am not here to hold your hand in this life its a shitty deal yes it is but ITS MY Deal SO DEAL WITH IT OR LEAVE …I AM STRONGER ALONE WITHOUT A JUDGE WITHOUT A CLOWN WITHOUT A SPOILED KID LOOKING FOR QUICK SOLUTIONS WHEN MONEY CANT FIX ME SORRY 

its uncomfortable I know and society wants to fix uncomfortable pile us in a corner and not look at us 

That is why I get up pile on the make up pep talk myself and whoever is looking back at me in the mirror and push forward cause dammit I will not fail I will not lay down and I will definitely not be pushed in a corner.