I cant begin to make you understand the amounts of pain I am in.How my body fails me daily I make it look so easy so sexy to be sick. But lets get the air clear and let me try to simplify something.I am sick no matter much I tease my hair pile the makeup to hide the flaws of being so dead tired your days and nights are mixed in to one long nightmare.
I make it look good easy and not so complicated well I am here to tell you YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED
I open my eyes after pretending to sleep maybe if I fool my mind my body will follow.I stretch and a simple stretching of my painful lifeless limbs cause me excruciating pain That is what I wake too knowing dreading what the day will bring.I climb out of bed grabbing onto my side rail tripping gasping over my own body who seems to do whatever I say don’t do.Reminds me every sec while brushing my teeth and washing my face how the simplest task so many take for granted and dont realize how wonderful they have it,I yell at my body push pull fight to get it to move when it wants to fall from the pain.My body is frail ,malnutrition set in ,My once beautiful thick hair is now dull and lifeless falling out in clumps.
I look in the mirror and I have changed My god WHO ARE YOU! My skin is pale,dry,my hair dying,my face sagging with dark circles my soul cries for the loss of the girl that I once was, That girl died and chronic pain took her place. You may see glimpses of the old person I used to be the fighter the artist the funny happy go lucky but she is not permanent its only the illness that pretends to not be there but its lurking around every corner.I am no longer your sister,your wife,your girlfriend,your friend I am sickness I bleed sickness I breathe sickness if your not careful the sickness will spread to you so better to stay away …..I am depressed I am alone I am scared I am yelling screaming kicking loosing grips with reality ! I am not positive how could you be positive when you are greeted by the sickening pull,stabbing,burning,scraping,grippeling pain,blinding pain,doubled on the floor pain,starving yourself afraid to eat pain,EMILY ROSE BODY TWISTING MIND RACING BODY NOT LISTENING KIND OF DEMONIC POSSESSION.
No one will get it trust me I have tried unless they feel it daily they don’t have a daily reminder esp if your trying hard to not look sick I see sickness the people around you don’t.People don’t like sick people they tend to run away or better yet the real annoying one try to fix you.Like a broken toy pull out the duck tape or the fucking advice like yes WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT….time to get really uncomfortable you can’t fix us,you cannot hold us so tight our broken pieces will stick together you cant bible us or counsellor us into believing Positive mind set bullshit BEEN THERE DONE THAT don’t you think we have tried all you are coming up with on a whim because it makes you a little sick to your poor stomach to see me bent over the sick puking lunch ! dont watch look away pretend its not happening I am not here to hold your hand in this life its a shitty deal yes it is but ITS MY Deal SO DEAL WITH IT OR LEAVE …I AM STRONGER ALONE WITHOUT A JUDGE WITHOUT A CLOWN WITHOUT A SPOILED KID LOOKING FOR QUICK SOLUTIONS WHEN MONEY CANT FIX ME SORRY
its uncomfortable I know and society wants to fix uncomfortable pile us in a corner and not look at us
That is why I get up pile on the make up pep talk myself and whoever is looking back at me in the mirror and push forward cause dammit I will not fail I will not lay down and I will definitely not be pushed in a corner.