my rant, my life, my pain

The more I think about it I feel I was born sick I am starting not to even remember a healthy happy day ! It seems so long ago I ate and felt happy full satisfied.I cant remember how it felt to have someone hold me touch me and not make my skin crawl. I don’t recall a time that I woke up feeling fresh,welcoming a new day pain free.

I dont think I had a day( 24 hours) where something didn’t pinch,sting,burn,throb,irritate,kill,stab,pull,tare,ache,break,gnaw,snap,inflame,irritate,itch,sharp,

raw,pain,stiff,sag,tight,torture,vice like,violent,raging,excruciating,bone chilling,Mind racing,crippling, stop you in your tracks kind of pain! Hold your breathe afraid to move kind of pain, I cant use enough expressive words to get you in the mind space of CHRONIC

It doesn’t leave you it doesn’t give up even if you are! It wont stop give you a break 10min 20 min ya right in your dreams BUT dreams I cant remember doing that either.I don’t sleep long enough to actually dream and what I would dream of is a different life and what wake up in pain disappointed id rather be sleepless.

I dont know what its like to not force a smile a laugh an amusement Do you think I care what your saying or about your day>? No I cant hear you over the loud noises in my head screaming PAY ATTENTION DAMN YOU OR ELSE.

I cant remember yesterday the pain days all cramp together and I am starting to fade away

I am in a fog fibromyalgia is another new diagnosis I am finding similarities to that but chronic pain is nothing new to me I think as a baby I felt pain who knows.

I was sick all the time in and out of hospitals asthma, throwing different diagnoses at me labeling me whatever made them feel more professional and good at there jobs

I was cut into, things taken out of me, I am broken and in pieces before a year old ! what kind of a chance did I have right at the start?.Things started growing weird my head shape was strange head surgery,tonsils,adenoids,puffers,machines that breathed different chemicals into my lungs! is this normal for a baby I didn’t even have a fair chance. Pump me with Immunizations, chemicals, Rat poison and lower my immune system so when I finally get boogers stuck on me from sticky fingered children or getting amebas from digging in the dirt I wont be able to fight my own battle and my blood count,my cells will be sleeping from all the crap inside me. I didn’t stand a chance every part of me was dragged down,sleeping and in a coma induced by the Government,environment ,nurses and doctors.I was maybe there little experiment maybe I still am? See what works give her drugs calm her down,dull her mind,make her sleep,confused,fat,sluggish,slow her down,STOP HER,pain pills,anti this anti that ! antidepressants,psychiatrist,therapist,mood doctors,stabilizers,injections,tests,MRI,CT scans,xrays,Endoscopies,Colonoscopy,Leeps,Laps,Check this, push that ,insert this tube,inject this die,Lets make her more like HULK but when we cant control her throw her in a padded cell.Lets do sleep tests,psych tests( what image do you see in this Q card? )Watch her,tape her,record her,slap limitations on her,Give her tools to succeed and when she fails…. UP her MEDS!!! Let her express herself write her words down and judge how she copes,How the hell would you cope ? would 6 feet under do?

Take my blood,collect my urine,view my ranges,count my charts,add,multiply,culture,check function and when your tests come back fine tell me how healthy I am.Ohh it must be in my head I must want this life look at the attention I get the labels put on me Gosh I love being called CRAZY! Send me to other doctors when you finally give up on me. I am too much to handle yes yes I know too big of a case and our health care only allows for so much.

I know I know its not your speciality or you are running out of tests, lets look at mental it can’t be physical…

You must have been abused,beat,raped,had nightmares,traumatized YES that explains it as they are mentally tapping themselves on the back or high fiving themselves for cracking the case. You are damaged goods and need to be put on pills, PILLS are your answer.Let this chemical change your brain make you numb and zombie like and you will be fixed…and if the first 5 don’t help come back in 6 months and we have plenty more to try.Dont you love being a lab Rat?

Its about time I be listened too not looked down upon or feel your pity,none of that helps me,I have to live this way please don’t down play my symptoms, misdiagnosis,treat me like a puzzle you are going home to your life I to mine let me be heard


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