Cry

I hate having to prove how sick I feel because you can’t see it you don’t think it’s real. In pictures I smile dress real nice you can’t actually notice the hell of a price. It hurts every day I never get a break, but all you say is “oh what a fake”. I stay alone fighting a terrible war the smallest task everything is sore. The crippling knife twisting inside cuts so deep I want to die. I have gotten good at hiding my battle wounds I hate I only have so many spoons. I wish you saw the sleepless nights the horrible migraine just from the lights. You don’t care to acknowledge what you don’t understand instead of judging why not take my hand.Tell me you are here for me stand by my side don’t let me sit alone to hide,Tell me you’re in for the ride. My life has changed so drastically my future plans I just can’t see. A life without suffering pain and despair the life I lead is so unfair, I don’t want to get out of bed I do not care. I close my eyes to a world of pain just to wait and do it again. I feel I’m slowly going insane my family and friends hate to hear me complain so I take a pretty picture smile and cheer and when alone at night shead all my tears

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Pain..

Pain causes you to feel lonely, sad and isolated. No one truly understands what it feels like to be controlled by chronic illness. All the advice in the world can’t even come close unless they have gone through it themselves. You are under a constant fog of illness a cloud of pain raining down on you. You have no control and hide inside your house afraid of what the outside will bring you. You wake up and have to decide what to do what is most important, shower, brush your teeth, drive your children to school, you only have the energy to do a few necessities. Going through the motions of living a normal life but barely keeping food down, skipping  chores around the house, crying in the shower,  delaying showering altogether,  making dinner or even eating. Your life is ruled by what you are capable of doing in that moment .Always paying for the few hours you feel just okay enough to clean the kitchen or tidy a room knowing you will be crippled with pain after. Make sure your activities are worth paying a price for.

Dwells Within

I hate that pain controls me, It never asks if it’s welcomed it never gets an invite. Pain does not care about your social life if you made plans if it’s your birthday or a huge event months in the planning process. It does not ask if you’re busy, happy or ready for the hell it brings. It is a part of you not welcomed by open arms but by tears and disappointment of plans ruined by its untimely arrival. You don’t control how long it will attack you, if you will be going to the ER, or what medications will work. It makes you woozy and exhausted from trial and error of pills you take just to be able to get out of bed. You sink deeper into depression over no control over your own body. You feel like a stranger to the world and your enemy dwells within you. This war is a private one and you fight every second of the day the war will never end until your body shuts down completely. Your body feeds the pain blood flows to it giving it life. Once I breathe my last breath         finally I will be freeā€¦.