ALICE MY BABY

*****Trigger Warning*******

To my baby who i will never see. Im so so sorry your not inside of me.
i can never hold you and kiss you goodnight,Ive lost you my baby my body could not fight. It could not hold on to your precious being, you slipped away infront of me. I wont be able to hear you giggle or sing you a lullaby. My heart is broken and all i can ask is why? Why couldnt i have just one wish come true,Why couldnt i just have you? I see other woman having babies and i cant bare to look. Watching others dreams come true while my little one you took. A baby is such a wonderful gift but taken away cause an extreme rift.
I wanted to see your cute face,kiss your cheeks,and hold you near,All i have are all my tears.
I wanted my belly to grow and sustain you, i wanted to shield you from the world and contain you.
I wanted that beautiful pregnant glow, instead red eyes,dark circles intow. The worlds worst sadness tared my relationship away, hated eachother I couldnt stay.
Everytime i look at him i saw his endless pain I could not handle anymore shame. I walk alone a path of empty memories i never got to make. Your name is Alice ,that they couldnt take.
You didnt even get to breathe you held on tight inside of me.
I gave you life then it was gone I am such a horrible mom.
I hate myself for what i couldnt do,I couldnt give a daughter to you.
Broken ,beat,twisted in pain I am slowly going insane.
I cant take the grief and blame.
I will someday hold you and hear your sweet voice. I get a smile from that and rejoice.
Mommy loves you to the moon and back xoxo written by Sarah Smith

ISOLATION

Isolation is so cruel,It robs you and your left feeling a fool.
No reason to wake up from an endless night,for yet a lonely day left to fight.
Nothing is worse then feeling pain,24/7 id rather die in vein. You are left with haunting thoughts racing in your mind, How could life be so unkind?
Live in torture you cannot see,but I have lost all self worth inside of me.
My beauty fades my hair falls out, this is what rock bottom is all about. Muscle weak,skin stretched a disabled body not so far fetched.
I used to think a pretty face takes you so far, now i know its not who,its what you are? Its been taken by chronic pain,I cant even look at myself without shame
Falling to pieces from drugs and no cure, withdrawl will kill me first this im sure. Maybe the doctors give you this for false hope so you wont complain. You cant anyway your too dopped.

Written by SARAH SMITH

Cry

I hate having to prove how sick I feel because you can’t see it you don’t think it’s real. In pictures I smile dress real nice you can’t actually notice the hell of a price. It hurts every day I never get a break, but all you say is “oh what a fake”. I stay alone fighting a terrible war the smallest task everything is sore. The crippling knife twisting inside cuts so deep I want to die. I have gotten good at hiding my battle wounds I hate I only have so many spoons. I wish you saw the sleepless nights the horrible migraine just from the lights. You don’t care to acknowledge what you don’t understand instead of judging why not take my hand.Tell me you are here for me stand by my side don’t let me sit alone to hide,Tell me you’re in for the ride. My life has changed so drastically my future plans I just can’t see. A life without suffering pain and despair the life I lead is so unfair, I don’t want to get out of bed I do not care. I close my eyes to a world of pain just to wait and do it again. I feel I’m slowly going insane my family and friends hate to hear me complain so I take a pretty picture smile and cheer and when alone at night shead all my tears

Pain..

Pain causes you to feel lonely, sad and isolated. No one truly understands what it feels like to be controlled by chronic illness. All the advice in the world can’t even come close unless they have gone through it themselves. You are under a constant fog of illness a cloud of pain raining down on you. You have no control and hide inside your house afraid of what the outside will bring you. You wake up and have to decide what to do what is most important, shower, brush your teeth, drive your children to school, you only have the energy to do a few necessities. Going through the motions of living a normal life but barely keeping food down, skipping  chores around the house, crying in the shower,  delaying showering altogether,  making dinner or even eating. Your life is ruled by what you are capable of doing in that moment .Always paying for the few hours you feel just okay enough to clean the kitchen or tidy a room knowing you will be crippled with pain after. Make sure your activities are worth paying a price for.

Dwells Within

I hate that pain controls me, It never asks if it’s welcomed it never gets an invite. Pain does not care about your social life if you made plans if it’s your birthday or a huge event months in the planning process. It does not ask if you’re busy, happy or ready for the hell it brings. It is a part of you not welcomed by open arms but by tears and disappointment of plans ruined by its untimely arrival. You don’t control how long it will attack you, if you will be going to the ER, or what medications will work. It makes you woozy and exhausted from trial and error of pills you take just to be able to get out of bed. You sink deeper into depression over no control over your own body. You feel like a stranger to the world and your enemy dwells within you. This war is a private one and you fight every second of the day the war will never end until your body shuts down completely. Your body feeds the pain blood flows to it giving it life. Once I breathe my last breath         finally I will be free….

poem of love

Love is staying in, instead of going out.
Love is venturing into the night to replace a broken heating pad at a 24-hour drug store, 30 miles away.
Love is take-out dining and canceling long awaited reservations with gentle compliance.
Love is bringing home emergency chocolate.
Love is patiently explaining to family and friends that the pain & fatigue are real, time and time again.
Love is declining events and parties at the last minute without fuss.
Love is gladly stopping to use the restroom 4 times during a 2 hour car ride.
Love is saying scars are sexy.
Love is being okay with snuggling, when anything more intimate seems painful and terrifying.
Love is never making your partner feel weak or guilty.
Love is also eating gluten and dairy free.
Love is worry, fear and uncertainty.
Love is crying together through loss and infertility.
Love is a knowing glance across a room during a public pregnancy announcement.
Love is holding hands through seemingly endless doctor visits.
Love is being there for countless procedures, tests and anxiously waiting for results.
Love is long, tearful kisses goodbye before lonely walks to the waiting room/operating room.
Love is hoping and praying for good news from surgeons.
Love is seeing your partner unconscious, green and ghostly-white and hoping she’ll be okay.
Love is wondering what you would ever do without her.
Love is holding a vomit bucket and rinsing it out repeatedly.
Love is helping to maneuver a catheter bag and IV stands.
Love is helping to shower, dress and feed.
Love is engaging in more conversations about poo than you ever imagined.
Love is long tearful hugs of despair and endless encouragement.
Love is understanding the anxiety and depression that comes with being ill.
Love is one day at a time.
Love is helping to heal.
Love is being there for many surgeries and knowing there could be more.
Love is trying to be brave, while always worrying.
Love is late night emergency room visits and advocating to ridiculous medical professionals.
Love is wanting to take all of the pain away, but accepting you have little to no control over it.
Love is sometimes just being present in a quiet, gentle way.
Love is always accepting where your partner is at, at that given time and knowing it can change in an instant.
Love is faith in the relationship during difficult times.
Love is being grateful for the good times.
Love is coming to terms with trading in dreams of the past and sharing excitement in revised hopes for the future.
Love is accepting that even with the best care, endometriosis is a chronic illness with no cure.
Love is knowing that even with all of the challenges and losses, you feel incredibly lucky and will never meet a stronger, more beautiful, more loving woman

pain

Sarah Smith  ·  While everyones sleeping, I am alone and the pain is so real a stabbing sensation a burning I feel. It hurts even worse when day light comes, fake a smile wipe your tears another battle is done.you make it through the night like a dark cold war your diease is an enemy and your strength a sword. You cut through it grasping your pillow so tight. I cant wait till tommorow to restart this fight. its a never ending game of tug a war when will the pain push you on the floor? When will u be on your knees crying? it loves when your weak and so close to dying. Sharpen your sword and keep it steady,On your feet you must forge ahead unconquerd and ready! The battle is not over infact only begun for today a new battle under the sun.laugh be pretty shoulders down dont show anyone the slightest frown. Keep your head up though it hurts to walk pretend to be happy though the ememy waits and mocks. Shows you no mercy, takes all of your time, leaves you no friends and a real life behind. Everyone sees just a pretty face but under it all theres a reality I wish to erase. A fact that dreams may never be true thats why I stay awake and write to you. To All my enemies who think ahh shes fine put my shoes on start walking to the front lines. Raise your sword nice and easy here is comes dont get queasy. Its not fun being in chronic pain you lead a life,your going insane .slowly it takes everything you’ve got all you worked for is just left to rott. Sorry I cant be that girl you think you see .all of my insides are attacking me.Sorry I cant be your number 1 this is hell for me im not having fun.On the battle ground I stand sword held tight in my hand I will never give up ,wont loose this fight for this is my journey and this is my life … sarah smith 2:08am

HOW STARVED YOU MUST HAVE BEEN THAT MY HEART BECAME A MEAL FOR YOUR EGO!

I WILL REBUILD MY BROKEN DOWN SOUL

I WILL WORK ON GLUING THE PIECES OF MYSELF BACK TOGETHER

I WILL WORK ON HEALING MY HEART

I WILL WORK ON BEING SANE AGAIN

I WILL WORK ON MOVING FORWARD BABY STEPS

I WILL WORK ON BECOMING WHOLE AGAIN

I WILL WORK ON REMOVING EVERY THOUGHT OF YOU

I WILL WORK ON BEING A BETTER HUMAN BEING

I WILL WORK ON NEVER FALLING FOR A PIECE OF SHIT LIAR ABUSER LIKE YOU

FLOWERS

I got flowers today. It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day.

We had our first argument last night and he said a lot of cruel things

that really hurt me. I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the

things he said – because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.

Last night he threw me into a wall and then started to choke me.

It seemed like a nightmare but you wake up from nightmares to find

that they aren’t real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.

I know he must be sorry – because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special

day. Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me.

Makeup and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time.

I couldn’t go to work because I didn’t want anyone to know

But I know he is sorry – because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today and it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day.

Last night he beat me again and it was much worse than all the other

times. If I leave him what will I do? How will I take care of the kids?

What about money? I’m afraid of him and too scared to leave him!

But he must be sorry – because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day.

It was the day of my funeral.

Last night he finally killed me. I was beaten to death.

If only I would have gathered enough courage and strength to leave him.

So I got flowers today – for the very last time.